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I have toppled

My stepmother has a magnet on her refrigerator that says, “Those who are firmly rooted in the world will not topple in the face of adversity.” Friends, I have toppled.

You might say I have been predisposed to toppling for quite some time. In fact, you could argue that I have toppled before, and have in the last 8 years or so been steadied by ropes — high-gauge, yes, but as susceptible to wear as the next thick cord. Those ropes have now frayed and given way, and I am horizontal to the ground. Well, I’m leaning. Hey, no wonder I called this blog Leaning Doe! I am leaning up against people who aren’t going to appreciate the weight much longer.

How do I know I have toppled?
I can’t find the will to get out of bed.

I can’t find it in my heart to be kind.

I can’t appreciate or accept kindness from others.

I long ago became the girl whose phone calls people avoid.

I feel sick all the time.

I have checked out of regular life and am struggling to get by.

I had a much better post in my head before, but it didn’t make it to the page.

Do you have this kind of person in your family?

The kind who says what doesn’t need to be said? E.g., when someone loses a competition on TV, this person will say, while making a very strong effort to talk over the commentary that you really do want to hear on the TV program in question, “She has to be really upset.” And then this person will proceed to explain why explain why the woman who has just lost has to be upset, in case you, the dunderhead in the corner, didn’t get that they were probably upset because they lost? And you don’t dare tell them that you were wishing to hear the TV, since you can talk to this family member anytime, but hearing these nuggets of TV information get you through your day and also help you understand the loss you have just witnessed, which you are sort of feeling yourself. But you can’t say this, because you know full well that their belief, which is founded in a reality where you are not annoyed all the time, is that family time/human interaction is more important than the television. And, yes, in this day and age of being able to rewind, it makes even less sense that some talking would bother me this much. But what is the frame of mind of the person who always thinks that what they have to say is important enough that they have to talk loudly over what everyone is listening to? The kind of person who rarely actually has anything to say.

They are typically the same person who will start talking to you as soon as you get up to go to the bathroom and launch into a monologue — yes, it’s a monologue, only thinly disguised as an attempt at dialogue — about something you’re guaranteed not to want to hear about, especially while you’re on the way to the bathroom — their belief that the candidate you love is inappropriate, or the idea that women are more likely to give their bodies as a gift to the man they love, so that the man they love is the one who needs to be on guard and stop it; or, even, the sex life of your grandparents!!! And, as if this were possible, it all goes downhill from there — you’ve gone from some fairly innocent thoughts of your own, closely held and worked over lovingly in your brain while you’ve luxuriated quietly on the couch, but as soon as you make a move out of the room, the horror begins. Those initial scraps of “conversation” thrown your way invariably degenerate into musings on how the world is a cesspool, and people are raped murdered on a regular basis, and women are always in danger of being maimed, and don’t you find that you need to be really careful? Actually, no. I find that I am desperate to leave the room to pee and not have these negative thoughts touch me at this particular moment. I am perfectly capable of working myself into my own frenzy of horror. My own mind is all too capable of generating these kinds of thoughts, so I’m trying to get out of the habit, and I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD TOO!

Just venting. I need to pee.

The big D

Has it taken anybody else 5 years to get over their divorce? Or am I a weaker life form?

Why I’m kind of pathetic

I’m a 37-year-old woman with a relatively new family — a new stepmom and her 18-year-old son. And I really want to be considered “cook” by the 18-year-old, which is dumb in and of itself, but the ways this desire manifests are even dumber. Like, I don’t want to go to go to bed too early so he won’t think I’m an old tired lady. And when he said something like, “Oh, mom’s put you to work, too” when I was mowing the lawn, I said ” Well, I volunteered, but now I’m sorry I did,” which totally wasn’t true but was total teenage snarking. I hope I grow up in the next day or so.

On bumblebees

Stepmom: It’s nice out on the deck right now. Often the bumblebees make it too hard to be out here for too long.

Me: Yeah. It’s nice.

Stepmom: The males are actually not that dangerous, but they’re very curious. Their the ones with the white on their heads, and sometimes they’ll come right up into your face and hover there, and you can see their eyes checking you out. It’s freaky.

Me: Sounds freaky.

Dad: Yeah, it’s the females you need to look out for. Their heads are all black, and they’re the ones who tend to fly aggressively. It’s the females who sting, so look out for them.

Stepmom: Sometimes your dad will actually grab a male in his hand and throw it off the deck to keep it away.

Dad: But you don’t want to do that with the females. Make sure you’re not grabbing one with an all-black head, because she’ll sting you and it’ll hurt.

Me: Dad, trust me, I don’t think I’ll be grabbing any bumblebees anytime soon. Thanks, though.

It’s actually thin to fat

I read somewhere that the Before and After photos for weightloss products are actually After and Before photos — meaning that they pay thin people to gain a lot of weight, because that’s faster and easier to accomplish. So I wonder if that’s true for this former child star, Topanga. I know I’m really late with this, but I saw it for the first time today.

Today was quick. After a week on the East Coast, I should be on East Coast time, but I still can’t get to sleep before 3:00 am Eastern. So I get up at noon. And I’m not wringing much LIFE out of that schedule. I did lounge around today in a nice blazer for no apparent reason. I think I looked nice, and so did the basement sofa. I suppose it’s the same method that former Project Runway participant Laura employs to get through her day with 5 kids — she never wears jeans or sweats, but rather faces every day dressed to kill, in straight skirts and silk blouses, hair done, lipstick intact, so she doesn’t feel like a slob. But you know, I have a feeling she doesn’t lounge around anywhere near as much as I do. And if she does, she goes through a lot of pencil skirts.

I’ve really done it now

This is the story of a girl who hit the big reset button. I was married once, then divorced not long after. Since then I’ve acquired a dog, loads of dates — some good some bad — entered into a few short-lived relationships, and gained and lost many friends. And through it all I’ve lost myself. I need to find me again. I’ve quit my job, given up my apartment, and left the big city where I spent the last 8 years. I’m starting over. I sure hope it works. Maybe the East Coast has some answers for me that California, with all of its initial promise, couldn’t pull through. What can I accomplish in two months to boost my self esteem, manage my depression, and get back to living and feeling that life has meaning.